Funnies - December 2011

More stories from church life

• Weddings!
• One January a mom called the church office to reserve the Sanctuary for her daughter's wedding. The mother of the bride (MOTB) asked for a date in June, 18 months from when she called! When the office assistant congratulated the mom on the daughter's engagement, mom said that the daughter wasn't engaged yet but she was sure it would happen soon and she wanted to get the date she wanted reserved on the church calendar. It was an interesting wedding!
• The most beautiful wedding I've ever heard of was when Miss Alabama got married several years ago. You see, Miss Alabama's bridesmaids were friends she'd met in various competitions. So, preceding Miss Alabama down the aisle were Miss Georgia, Miss South Carolina, Miss Mississppi, and a couple of other beauty queens. As I said, it was a beautiful wedding!
• The minister's wife left her purse under her pew in church one Sunday. She asked her husband to go back to the church and get it for her. When the minister walked into the Sanctuary, he didn't turn on the lights because he would only be there for less than a minute. He went to where his wife usually sat and reached under the pew for the pocketbook. He grabbed some fabric and heard a yell from a man, the church's custodian. That's when the minister realized that the custodian was sleeping in the Sanctuary on the floor after worship. The wife got her purse and the custodian found another job!
• Construction began on a new building for the church but first they had to demolish the existing structure. The wrecking ball knocked down walls and the excavator loaded up all the debris into dump trucks. But everything stopped when the wrecking ball swung too far and knocked down part of the mechanic's shop next door. Fortunately the church's insurance covered the bill for a brand new building. This was also unfortunate because the church had future plans to purchase the dilapidated mechanic's shop but now couldn't afford the price of the shop!

Lead On!
Steve

Funnies

I'm totally convinced that a sitcom could be made about church life. And the kicker is that all the storylines would be based on actual stories submitted by church members and church staff. The problem is that most people would never believe these actually happened. Here are a few examples:

• Follow that Pastor
• A pastor performed a funeral. Afterwards, everyone proceeded to their cars to go to the cemetery. As is the custom, the hearse and all the mourners followed the lead car, the pastor's car. The pastor led the way and then completely forgot what he was doing and led the entourage into the parking lot at Wal-Mart. When he got out of his car, he realized he was leading the pack to the wrong destination.
• Parking Problems
• A minister parked his stick-shift car in the parking lot which had a slight incline to it. At some point the car slipped out of gear, and a few minutes later a staff person glanced outside and noticed three ladies by the minister's car. They were yelling for help as together they put all their strength in trying to keep the car from rolling down the parking lot into other cars. 
• Bulletin of Evidence
• A woman came to the church office asking for a copy of the bulletin for the previous Sunday, the Sunday after Easter. The church's custom was to print the names of all guests who attended the previous Sunday. She wanted the bulletin because it listed not only her husband's name but also that of his girlfriend. The wife had wanted to attend Easter with her husband, but he had preferred to attend with his girlfriend. The wife wanted the bulletin to use in divorce court!
• Hijacked Website
• A well-meaning member purchased a website domain name for her church. She not only created the website but also made email addresses for the staff to use. This volunteer ran the whole operation out of her house because the church didn't have the financial or personnel resources to run the website. After a few years, the church decided to take on the website. When a staff member went to the woman's house to talk about transferring the site, the woman very proudly showed the staff member not only the website but how she, a volunteer church member, was monitoring all the emails that the staff was sending and receiving. Oh MY!
• We Have Liftoff
• The spring-loaded candle on the candelabra was stuck, but the groom worked hard to loosen it so he could join his bride in lighting the unity candle. The bride was growing impatient as she held her candle. The groom's father stepped up and handed him the candle the father had used to light the groom's candle (and which the father had taken to his seat). The bride and groom then lit the unity candle, she put her candle back in its place, the groom placed his extra candle on the floor, and they began walking back to the altar. It launched. Very high. The spring-loaded groom's candle finally loosened, and the innards of the candle launched. Every eye watched it soar, and everyone heard it clang on the stone floor. The MOTB (mother of the bride) was aghast. The soloists stopped singing because they were laughing so hard. The minister couldn't gain his composure and guffawed four times before he was able to pronounce them "husband and wife."
• Babies!
• A baby was brought forward by his parents for christening during a hymn. When the minister uncovered the small baptismal font, he discovered it was dry as a bone. It had not been filled by the volunteer in charge of that. The minister motioned to the music minister to keep singing, and the minister disappeared. A couple of minutes later he came back carrying a pitcher of water from the church kitchen and poured it in the font. The baby was christened with no further delays.

I'd love to hear your stories. I'll put more on here, too. Who knows, maybe we can get someone in Hollywood to produce "Steeple Chase."


Lead On!
Steve